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Got Wedding Stress?? February 22, 2012

Filed under: Wedding Tips — David Kosberg @ 11:32 am

Differences and disagreements are as inevitable in wedding planning as they are in marriage itself. If your feeling it now, I guarantee you’ll feel it later on in you marriage.  Any most likely, where the stress comes from, will be the same source later in your marriage as well.  With that said, this is a great time to learn how to deal with them. Here are some strategies you might find helpful:

 

1. Consider the big picture as it affects each decision. Some decisions will be made consequentially as other wishes are discussed. For example, the guest list should be created early because it shapes decisions about facilities and costs, among other things. If one of you wants a tropical beach wedding and the other a home town wedding, you can discuss these options in the light of other issues such as the fact both of you want your frail grandparents to come to your wedding. Seeing the larger picture can help you resolve differences.

2. Ask yourselves who cares more about the issue. You can decide to gracefully adjust your preference if your partner has strong feelings about an issue. Another wards, pick your battles. You may prefer a small, intimate wedding but your partner has cherished the family tradition of a large wedding. So rather, try setting a number that gives more to the person who cares the most but on another issue, you may care a lot and your partner should adjust to your wants.  This is the foundation of a good start in marriage.

3. Periodically assess your wedding-planning stress and feelings of competency. If your partner has not followed through on a task they were responsible for, or if you feel better equipped for a particular task, politely offer to help or take over (e.g., I am interested in photography and have a light work schedule next week. Is it okay if I research a photographer?) The key is to agree together on a shift of responsibility, rather than saying, since you won’t do it, I will!  The person who has been relieved of one responsibility should then offer to help with other responsibilities.

4. Teach and learn from one another rather than assuming the other gets it.  Sometimes one of you will not see a problem that is quite clear to the other. You can both educate each other about your families and their traditions. The groom from a Catholic family should explain to his Protestant bride what is involved in a traditional Catholic wedding, rather than having surprises keep coming up. Or I see this quite often when both families come together.  Each person should inform and educate their partner on each others families so you can discuss how you feel about dealing with it.

5. When you are doing your best to deal with your differences and yet remain polarized, consider whether deeper issues are underlying your conflict. For example, sometimes the issue is not about the size of the wedding but about a feeling of envy or competition because one of you has a bigger family or circle of friends. Sometimes the issue is not between the two of you, but because of another issue or with another person. The best solutions to finding and resolving these conflicts are speaking for yourself using “I” statements rather than attacking the other person using “You”, listening to understand before proposing solutions, and choosing the best time and place to talk about difficult matters. Your everyday communication patterns might be fine for everyday matters, but when you are negotiating a wedding, it’s good to be at your best and different situations require different style of communication.

I’m almost sure I’ve left some stressors out.  So feel free to COMMENT in the box below on any of these.

Or let us know what’s stressing you out. 

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Ever had a Wedding Pet Peeve? February 5, 2012

Filed under: Wedding Tips — David Kosberg @ 4:35 pm

These are my Wedding and Event pet peeves. I don’t have many of them, but the ones I have are strong. These are in no particular order.  I hope it will open your mind to the realities of this industry whether you’re a bride, guest, or vendor:

 

People Who Won’t RSVP. What is that? We’re all busy, I get that. But come on, just check the appropriate box on the little card and drop it in your mailbox. It’s already stamped and everything! Or go to the website and click the appropriate box and let them know. Or email your response. If you don’t, a few weeks from now you’re going to get a very uncomfortable phone call/email asking you, as politely as possible, what the hell is going on? No one likes that phone call. No one likes making it. No likes taking it. And no one likes avoiding it. Lesson: Little card, stamped envelope. MAIL IT.

 

People Who RSVP and Don’t Show Up. And Don’t Tell You They’re Not Showing Up. Again, life happens, I get that. But you were invited, and you RSVP’d, and your meal is already paid for. At least call or email and let them know that you’re not coming. I know that weddings can often feel impersonal – it’s this big, huge affair, now matter what size it is. It’s easy to think that you won’t be missed. Believe me, you will. Left-over place cards get noticed. Think of it this way – not only is it rude and lacks integrity, but it isn’t how you would want someone to treat you. Right? And yet, the table with ten cards on it shows up at every wedding.

 

Early Invitation Times. This one is on you. I know I keep repeating this, but I feel like I have to get this through to as many people as possible, again because of the integrity issue. If your ceremony starts at 5:00pm, put 5:00pm on the invitation, please. Putting 4:30pm on the invitations just to fool the latecomers is going to inconvenience everyone else, including you. The majority of your guests are going to show at 4:00pm since you put 4:30pm on the invites. That leaves you one hour less to set-up and get ready. And, you’ll have guests that are hanging out, all dressed up, for a longer time. Will they have someplace to sit if the ceremony is not ready yet? And, most of the time, the usual latecomers will still be late. Those who are late, shame on them, but don’t stress yourself or your other guests out. It’s not worth it so stick to the correct time.

 

Family Members That Give Into the Wedding Wacky. You have an idea of how you want your wedding to look like, they have another. And they will not shut up about it. And not only will they not shut up about it, but they take it personally that you won’t take their advice. And you react the way that you always react when they won’t back off. Which is some variation of either you outwardly loose your cool or inwardly you get stressed and give up. And then all of the sudden, your entire relationship is at stake. All over the type of flowers or color of dresses. Look, here’s the deal: You can’t control what they say and do, you can only control what you say and do. So, while they’re taking your rejection personally, and it seems they may not even show up, you yourself don’t take their rejection personally. They are always like this and you know that. They want you to have a wonderful day, and you should acknowledge that. They just want you to have their vision of a wonderful day. Hold onto your vision, affirm what you want and that it’s your special day, show gratitude for their opinions (because that’s what they are, not rules) and keep moving forward.  Don’t get stuck on pleasing everyone, at the end of the day, you and your spouse need to be the ones who are pleased.  Everyone else will return home to their respective lives.

 

Unrealistic Planning Thoughts.  Here are a few thoughts I’ve seen and some of the repercussions that come from them.  DIY is not a cure-all. I know we live in the age of internet and research (after all, you’re reading this, right?)  But I wouldn’t take chances with these big planning items.

– Have you thought about picking a day other than a weekend for your wedding? The cost of your venue and catering might go down, but how many people are going to be able to make it if it’s on a Thursday night? Of course, that’s a good way to cut the guest list if you need to.

– How about using your iPod for all your wedding music?  We all know how to work those things.  Get your playlist going, press play, and set it down for the night.  Your done right? Wrong. It’s not that easy.  To do away with an experienced DJ, you do away with them setting the tone for your wedding.  They just don’t play music, they fade it in and out at the right time, they feel the crowd, and they use your timeline and create a flow with out hiccups or stalls.  You can’t do all that with an iPod.

– Designing your own floral arrangements or even Grow your own flowers?  Yes I said grow.  I haven’t seen this go to well many times.  Television or internet makes it look easy but what they forget to tell you is how will you transport those big things?  How do you set it up if you’re in your wedding dress and needing to take pictures?  Who’s cleaning all that up afterwards?  All that can be fixed but what price and what will you miss in your wedding experience if you take on a project like that yourself?

– I can skip hiring an event planner on the day of my wedding.  You can easily plan your own wedding depending on you wants and needs.  But you can not direct and run your wedding on that day.  Let me repeat, you can not do this.  And those who tell you they will help you (like a sales professional at a hotel) really provide no support unless it has to do with their end.  And please, forget about having your mom or your auntie run it.  I don’t care how much they say they love planning events, it’s not fair to them.  Guaranteed, they will miss a big portion of the wedding.

 

I’m not saying that all these are not do-able, but all of these come with caveats that are often missing. Getting them to work may be more time-consuming, stressful and sometimes more expensive, than other options.

So, what wedding pet peeves have YOU seen so far? And what do you think about mine? Let me know in the comments below.

 

 
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